It’s been a long time since I was at primary school, but supporting my 11 year old as he prepares for SATS has given me an insight into just how much is demanded of these children (and their teachers).

Like many of us, I’m personally not a fan of examining kids. Exams only measure a narrow window of knowledge or intelligence, within a tiny window of time so, IMO the ‘results’ don’t meaningfully tell us what their brains are fully capable of. 
Especially when you factor in the pressure that can exams bring, and how that kind of stress affects young brains 🧠.

Increasingly, today’s children are accused of ‘not being resilient’, and resilience is a valid concern; even the most fortunate children will inevitably experience challenging episodes eventually, whether it’s school-related or not.

But seldom do adults’ attempts at affirmative or positive responses – ‘Work hard, try your best, don’t worry, just get on with it’ etc. – make a noticeable difference.

Partly because, as most us know, that’s not how genuine resilience is built.
But partly because a multitude of other issues can contribute to these turbulent periods, which actually have little to with resilience.

And, whether we’re raising our own children or working with somebody else’s, many of us are grappling with these misinterpreted issues on a regular basis.

There is a massive tension in modern childhood.
The neurobiological process of growing up means that developmentally, children are wired to expand; they want agency, to experiment, to develop their own identities, to gain freedom and independence: all the characteristics that make for a well-rounded, functional human.

But there is SO much resistance from the grown-ups in the world about allowing them to become all that Mother Nature intended.
While everything in their brains and bodies is charged up to mature, the older they get, the greater the expectation…
They become increasingly ‘managed’ as adults steal their time and make their decisions for them. ‘I want to do’ is hijacked by ‘you must do’; in fact, very little of the lives may be determined by them.

We can call it ‘preparing for adulthood’ all we like but, while those concerns are valid, we also know that micro-management is rarely a productive, healthy or long-term solution.

The pillars of modern childhood – high-pressure learning environments, the alarming impacts of social media, the ‘electric playground’ etc. -have essentially been designed by grown-ups, for grown-ups’ benefit.

But what happens when young people, especially as they progress into adolescence, express their discontent or indifference, their frustration that they can’t comfortably move through this very unstable world they’ve been given to grow up in?
They get blamed for ‘lacking resilience’.
Those of us who believe in kindness or child-centredness are accused or indulging them or raising ‘snowflakes’. 

But what’s the solution, given that we can’t just whitewash over everything?

Despite all I know and teach about brain development, self-esteem and resilience, I’ve found no easy answers as my son’s own version of this tension continues to play out.

But there are three useful factors to consider if you relate…

🪞 Identity: When they’re under duress, it’s tempting to cut down what else kids are doing in an effort to free up their bandwidth, and for some, that may be helpful or necessary.
But when all of the energy – ours and theirs – becomes consumed with what they do, they can easily lose their sense of who they are.
Worse still, those who struggle can simply re-identify as ‘the kid who can’t’, who isn’t good enough, who needs to do better.

Far from being a waste of time, self-selected or extra-curricular activities don’t just offer much-needed breathing space, but can help kids retain their sense of identity and competence outside of the stressor or change they’re navigating, and this contributes enormously to their mental health.

🧠 Brain Biochemistry: The misfortune of enduring duress is that it ensures a steady flow of adrenaline and cortisol: stressor hormones which, even in conducive circumstances, can take a long time to be flushed from the body.

Firstly, stressor hormones diminish the brain’s learning capacity.
But secondly, they make the brain much more reactive and less resistant to stress.
Often we interpret the resulting behaviours as emotional immaturity, to which a typical [usually useless] adult response is a variation of ‘grow up’.

‘Brain breaks’ help of course but, counter-intuitive as it can feel, turning the volume up – not down – on nurture and empathic compassion is an effective way to create a healthier ‘biochemical soup’ for the brain.

🙋 Agency: While usually with the best of intentions, it’s an uncomfortable truth that most children spend much of their lives being forced or coerced into things they don’t want to do.
But relationships built on control never get the best out of anyone; we’d be frustrated, angry or apathetic too in the same situation.

Giving young people power is often peddled as an unwise, possibly even unsafe, idea, and of course, it’s not always appropriate.
But how can any person be a functional human being without a healthy sense of their own agency and autonomy?

When we focus less on adults overpowering them, and trust – or help – them to use their own – to make decisions and learn from their mistakes – might we see less of the discontent, apathy and defeatism that’s so evident in so many children and adolescents?
Evidence that’s often misunderstood because we’re too quick to blame their ‘poor resilience’?

Do we want our kids to steer their own course and solve their own problems along the way?
Or do we want them to be mindlessly compliant, passively waiting for direction and demands?

Which child is better prepared for adulthood?
And which is more resilient? 🤔

Gems like this land directly in your inbox when you’re signed up to my list. Join below.