I was recently asked this question:“Is it a good idea to offer reward and deterrants?”

And it’s a good question because it doesn’t just have a simple ‘yes/no’ answer. The concern expressed was that rewards can feel like a form of coercion, and I share that.

Whether it’s because of AI taking over every possible function it can, or avoiding the very real risk of exploitation our children live with, or just because they can, there’s a good argument to ensure our children – and the adults they’re becoming – are equipped to think, decide and act for themselves. But it’s easier said than done…

We all want ease and flow from the kids in our lives. In schools, the risk of red traffic lights, ‘rain clouds’, detentions or isolation is used to keep behaviour in check. In homes, stickers accumulate on the chart, privileges and pocket money are promised.

I’m not saying that rewards are inherently bad. Mindfully used, variations of “If you do X, I’ll give you Y” can be useful incentives.

I am saying that relying on bribes, threats and punishments to exert our power is not a healthy foundation to manage the relationships with the young people in our lives.

The only way kids genuinely learn to make the ‘right’ choices by makingchoices, but when we engineer the ‘options’ to get our own way – especially if that involves using shame or humiliation – we’re not really offering choice at all; we’re just conditioning them for    compliance.

Those in favour of authoritian approaches argue that any alternative is permissive; that when children aren’t kept in line, they become wild and uncontrollable.

That may be true for a small number, but by and large, young people want to work with – not against – their grown-ups.

The question is, are we working with them? Not when the dynamic is essentially about controlling them or ‘who will win’?

It is not always easy or sometimes even possible to change the way we approach compliance and control.

But it is always possible to shift our focus from what we need from this child/ren in the moment, and try to connect with what they need from us.

What would they ask from us, if they could?…

Can you share power with me, instead of needing power over me?

Can we both be on the same side, instead of you seeing me as your opponent?

How can we both win?  

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