We don’t acknowledge anywhere near enough how difficult it is, as the ‘grown-up’, to support our children emotionally, when we’re already under enormous emotional strain ourselves.

And we should, because most of us know from experience that pretending everything’s ok, ‘pushing on‘, or ‘trying to be strong’ has a pretty short shelf-life.

We all have those days when the ‘to-do’ list is too long, we’re stretching ourselves too thin, and the end of the day can’t come soon enough.

But sometimes, it’s much more than a difficult day or multi-multi-tasking. Sometimes, we can’t always rely on tomorrow to diminish stress or worry; the same relentless uphill struggle will be there to greet us when we wake up.

And whether those struggles are parenting-related or not, our children feel them. 
This isn’t about evoking guilt or sitting in judgement; quite the opposite, in fact. Because, IMO, the expectation that if, as parents in particular, we can’t make everything ok, we should at least behave like it is, is wildly unrealistic.

‘Shame…’ 
I was talking with a parent support service recently about how this feeling has crept into parenting in recent years.
Because, when things go wrong for our children – and a lot clearly is going wrong for this generation – how often is the typical response ‘blame the parents‘?
Almost always…

Very rarely are parents commended, congratulated, applauded or celebrated, and yet the judgement about how we raise our kids is relentless; if they’re not beautifully behaved, engaged, well-balanced, socially and emotionally mature, it’s usually parents’ fault.

Of course, there are a minority of parents that could and should do better by their children. 
But very often, mums and dads are just doing their best under really challenging circumstances.

And this is where I get a bit triggered by ‘Be strong’; ‘I’m trying to be strong’ or ‘you’re stronger than you think’ etc.
I believe in ‘strength’ of course, but much more so I believe in ‘resilience’ and they’re not always the same thing.

Resilience doesn’t always demand that we doggedly push on. Sometimes resilience is the ability to bend, or soften, or even to let go.
Even if just temporarily, the kindest possible act – for ourselves, and for our children – is to stop trying to carry everything on our own, all the time.

That is not what strength looks like. 
That is what exhaustion, overwhelm and burnout look like. 

I’m not suggesting we stop trying to protect our kids, or that we burden them with adult worries and responsibilities.
I am suggesting that it’s healthy for them to know that life sometimes puts obstacles in the way, and they won’t always handle it well or know what to do…

Only when our kids recognise that this is true, even for grown-ups -and by modelling how to give ourselves grace – can we expect our children to treat themselves with self-compassion. 

As a parent, ask yourself this question: Do you want your children to grow up with the same levels of overload and weight as you often bear in your own life?
Most of us don’t, and yet leading with self-compassion can go against all of our better instincts, which prefers the ‘crack on‘ mentality.

When ‘crack on’ is our default position, we paradoxically find comfort in its familiarity.
But the truth is it’s not honest or helpful – today, or ever – to give our children the impression that to struggle – with overwhelm, heartache, procrastination, defeat – or any other challenge is synonymous with a lack of ‘strength’.

As the saying goes ‘The species that survives is not the fittest, it is the most adaptable’.  

That means that, instead of teaching our kids to sit in self-judgement, we show them how to recognise that the sense of struggle, overwhelm etc. are signals; not of ‘weakness’ but of the need to adapt… To pause, to change direction, to release, to rest or reset.
This is what ‘strength’  looks like.

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