An unpleasant and difficult episode occurred between me and my 11 year old – who is still very much adapting to secondary school life – this week.
He was tired and not as his best, but it didn’t warrant missing school.
I usually admire his steely determination, but the clock was ticking, and I had little patience right then for his adamance that it did.

I absolutely detest situations like this; they so often bring out the worst in everyone.
After I’d almost lost my s***, I considered the easiest and quickest way to make him comply; in other words, what bribes I could resort to?

Sometimes, asserting our authority as the decision-maker is exactly the right act for our kids, but that can make us slip easily into bribe territory like this .
The odd bribe is warranted – I accept that completely – but IMO, routinely relying on them can be counter-productive.

Here’s why:

1. We may be the grown-up and they may be the child, but most bribes determine who’s going to get their way; who is going to win?
   Our kids become our opponents without us even realising.
   But relationships built on an ‘I’ll find a way to have the power or to control you’ dynamic aren’t healthy, for anyone.
   Don’t we want to be on our kid’s side, and them to be on ours?
   
   
2. Negotiation is a useful skill for kids to learn, but it’s a fine line between them being able to compromise and them knowing how to pull the strings.
   When we find that we’re on the receiving end of their “I’ll only do X for you if you do Y for me” (or a version of), our resorting to bribery has backfired; we’ve just taught them how to bribe us right back.
   
   
3. So our child is resisting a task; we offer a more attractive alternative, they conform, JD. Bribes can make for a quick win.
   And sometimes, the circumstance demands just that. 
   But not always…
   Because difficult feelings and situations will continue to challenge them as they grow up.
   So what supports our kids most in the long run; making everything easier and stress-free for them (and, let’s be honest, ourselves)?
   Or helping them to accept and tolerate discomfort, even if that means having to bear our own discomfort with them?

So here’s an invitation for you…
Next time you’re tempted to bribe or even ‘incentivise’ your kids, pause… And ask yourself:

• Who is this bribe serving most; me or them?

• What’s the price for avoiding the messiness of conflict or discomfort (yours or theirs)?

• What do I need to prioritise in this moment; the quick win or the long game?